The Complexities of 'Over-Accountability'

I do not shy away from stating or exploring some of my most formative childhood experiences. Particularly abuse, bullying, addiction, and systemic disbelief. However, something that this has left me with, what other people have told me, is an overriding sense of empathy for others. Since I have suffered, I do not want others to suffer. Acknowledging this suffering requires something from us to recognise in others; *your pain is real*. Then something that naturally follows for me is a sense of duty to make this suffering in others less than it is currently. This requires some level of accountability in me. Not accountability over the causes of suffering but accountability and responsibility in reducing it. However, something that I am beginning to realise is that easily exploitable.

Around 7 years ago, I was living in a flat in Brighton with another person who I was not close with, she was already living in the flat when I moved in. One morning I was woken by her declaring, "Micah, you left the tap on last night!" Directing me to the bathroom which had flooded, causing water to leak down into the flats below. Shortly after, the people in those below flats presented a list of over £1,000 worth of destroyed property that had to be replaced. Conveniently already removing the apparently destroyed property.

Seeing the flooding and the apparent destroyed property, I didn't immediately deny any wrongdoing. Instead, my focus was on recognising that something had happened and that this is a situation that needs to be corrected. What I didn't understand at the time was that this allowed the people around me to direct blame onto me. I did not immediately deny any wrongdoing and, presumably, refuse to help, so this could be translated as responsibility. When I would describe it as accountability. Accountability over recognising that some event did occur, that this caused some damage, and that this would need to be corrected.

My folly was in assuming other people thought this way too. After all, who wouldn't empathise and try to help where possible to correct a wrongness or damage? Well. It turns out. Most people, it seems. A truly depressing realisation.

The most truly depressing realisation to me is that this is a conclusion I should have reached a long time ago. Growing up abused and traumatised These abuses and traumas were not only inflicted but maintained by people and systems that refused to recognise my suffering. So it should have been obvious in me that people cannot be trusted. However, that is not what happened. Instead, I seemingly hoped that a fundamental goodness still existed in all people. That if I am good then goodness will flow from others.

This is seemingly not true. Instead, goodness when unguarded creates an opening for exploitation. Even more unpleasantly; many people are comfortable either exploiting or permitting exploitation of this opening. Maybe some of my more vitriolic and angry feelings are based in some level of truth. After all, what I experienced growing up still happened and now this painful conclusion is the people that permitted it are not uncommon.

For me that creates a difficult tension. How can I try to be good when my goodness is also exploitable? When goodness can mean losing time, money, health, relationships, and more? How can I exist in this world?

I don't have a solid answer for that question. I do know that, going forward, my goodness and empathy has to be more guarded.

Another situation I think is relevant is losing my job about 6 months ago at time of writing. I was brought into a meeting with the Head of Staff who had questions about time reporting from a month prior. Unable to recall due to poor medical memory/amnesia, I took accountability that they had concerns and, in my head, going forward there need to be adjustments in my methods. What this gave them the ability to justify me saying was, "I acknowledge I falsified time reporting." Hence lost my job the next day. Even though, on reflection, this was a ridiculously blatant attempt to fire me without paying severance. 

What followed was several months of brutal depression, alcoholism, and suicidal ideation. Only now, 6 months later, am I starting to realise just how blatantly wrong my employer was and how they had exploited me. I had taken accountability when no accountability should have been taken by me; if they had concerns then they should have come with them earlier, not a month later. Now my chances at legal recourse have expired.

That is an example where I should have pushed back and forced this company to justify itself.

The issue I'm contending with now is when is accountability and responsibility something I should take? And to what degree? As a Believer, I believe that we should be trying to create goodness in this world during our limited time here. Yet if I am surrounded by people and a system willing to exploit this. When do I try to be accountable for trying to do goodness or be accountable for what I believe?

In trying to find an answer to that question there is a clear voice calling to me, "Don't. Don't be accountable or responsible. These people do not deserve it and will only exploit you." For how much I cannot agree with it. I also cannot fault its logic given my, or our, experiences; it seems the vast, *vast*, majority of people do exploit and are comfortable doing it. Despite what I would like to exist that does not change what does in actuality. Much selfishness and greed.

It offends me that it seems there are so many like this. Only people wanting to protect themselves, like my former colleagues in the meeting I was dismissed who stood by as I cried and apologised. Would they deserve injustice if it happened to them? No. Does it feel like they would, sometimes? Absolutely. This labour is now something I am shackled with.

So in taking accountability or 'over-accountability'. Maybe I will be more selective in where my accountability is taken and, maybe even, empathy is given. Maybe that will also make me more responsible for some suffering existing where I could have alleviated it somewhat, even if I cannot change the underlying system. I suppose the final question is now much of myself will I expose to take that accountability? Right now that is reducing and will be more limited. Or, maybe, it will simply be more in-line with what I am surrounded by…