Rethinking The 'Non-Binary' Label

I have gone the full gamut of genders, woman, man, and now something else. You notice that I didn't say 'non-binary', and that's because, as I have continued to explore myself and this new gender, I have become less and less comfortable with 'non-binary'. For a time, it felt right and accurate, I had been both binaries and now am not in that binary. Ergo; non-binary. Right? Well...

Last year, I got into clothes, big time. In fact, I created a wrote a whole piece of software to help me in learning about fashion and creating outfits; a visual notepad that lets me assemble images and text onto a canvas. Clothes and learning how to dress myself became an obsession for a few months, and still is a key interest. Clothes were a natural next step in what has been a decade-long journey of self-reflection and self-discovery. Now I have developed a deeper self-comprehension built on appreciation. I want to export and demonstrate it to the outside world through clothing. It's a type of self-love now that I am confident enough to express my true self.

Despite my desire to move outside 'man' and 'woman'. Fashion, researching and buying it, are confined to that zero and one configuration. Which is fine. I'm not naive. I know that, for now, almost everything I am surrounded by is in the binary. There are queer, unisex, and 'non-binary' brands, but for the vast majority of stores, it's man and woman only. It is going to stay like this for the foreseeable future.

As I have been exploring this new interest and meeting new people. It has become apparent to me, as time progresses and experience develops, that being 'non-binary' is not something for me; it's something for them. Non-binary – not binary – doesn't say something about how I see myself, it only represents that I don't see myself as one of them. In reality, there is very little freedom or expression in defining identity on what it is not.

Like mainstream fashion, most people can only understand the world in the man/woman binary. The 'non-binary' term is the perfect mechanism for them to understand that we are not one of them in gender. What does it tell you about the person who is non-binary? Nothing other than that. If someone says they are a man, you understand what that means. A woman, the same. Whereas, we are broadly forced to only exist in reference to someone else's identity.

By stating gender as what it is not, it also carries several implications. The main one, from my perspective, being that it suggests the behavioural scripts and interests of men and women are blocked off from me. Perhaps even masculinity and femininity themselves are now socially illegal. When I am deeply engaged with both masculinity and femininity through all the traditional markers of gender; clothing, feeling, behaviour, hobbies, etc. It is the freedom from being confined that makes working outside these binaries the most appealing to me. Instead, announcing what I am by what I am not forces me back into new confinement.

My purpose here in life on this planet amongst these human-beings is to explore, understand, and appreciate in all things. Doing that requires these limitations are removed from my thinking. That is reflected across the entirety of my personhood, including gender. However, I have to constantly battle the tide of other peoples' expectations of me. That produces a type of hypervigilance over what language I am using to engage with people to ensure that they will not 'autoconfine' me based on some incorrect language choice.

This is why, as I have become to understand this and develop this language, non-binary has become less and less appealing. Nothing has changed in who I am, but the language used to express that is constantly in flux and iterative refinement. Especially at the moment, where mainstream culture is ignorant of my intentions and who I am, and becoming increasingly hostile to it through bandwagoning internet personalities, careerist politicians, and unscrupulous journalists. It requires this continuous self-policing of language and presentation to ensure safety. Without this, it would not be possible for the freedom I am looking for, despite the pinhole opening of opportunity that exists in this cultural climate.

There are other gender terms, like agender, bigender, etc. These sidestep the issue of defiant definition and move the individual into its own language, scripts, and performance. Though far fewer non-queer people will understand or know what these terms mean, they do give that freedom. If you are genderqueer and talking to non-genderqueer people, chances are you will, at the least, introduce yourself as non-binary. Then go into the details. An explanation that you could not give in brief encounters. It takes prolonged engagement and a deeper relationship to produce some level of understanding in other people.

It is a phenomenally difficult position to be in. I am stuck in a time and culture without any understanding of me or my aims. Will I continue to introduce myself as 'non-binary' and write it in these posts? Almost certainly, but it comes with some huge asterisks. In reality, I am merely me, Micah, and I have Micah's interests, feelings, wants, and goals. Not based on some gendered expectations or social demands; I am free from those now and responsible for myself and beliefs. I am not free from other peoples' understandings and expectations. For me to retain freedom, due to our current times, the onus is on me to produce the perfect presentation and language to live authentically.

Note: I couldn't find a way to include this elegantly. Non-binary as identity is, of course, valid and anyone using it comfortably should. I am still non-binary, regardless of what language I use.